Cats normally are professional goldbricks.
Give your average housecat the chance to do some honorable work and he’ll
vanish, not to be seen or heard from again until dinner time. However, this is
not to say that cats are incapable of employment. Just like anybody else, you
must look at your cat’s attributes and form the job for the cat. Here are some
suggestions for jobs your cat is capable of performing.
Actor: Like it or not, your cat can lie,
and convincingly so. They are superb actors. Witness the next time you come
home after a longer than normal absence, way past dinner time. The cat will
drag himself into the kitchen while you are trying to get things going for
yourself and family. The cat will collapse on the kitchen floor. Eyes closed,
sides moving imperceptibly, only the faint flick of a tail tip tells you that
the animal is still alive, but just barely. It is on the brink of death from
starvation.
Alarm
clock: Dependable, audible, and insistent. These are
three qualities that we all desire in an alarm clock. There are problems,
though. The cat does not come with a snooze alarm. The only ‘off’ button
involves getting up out of bed. And the cat doesn’t care that 3 AM is NOT the
time you wanted to get up. It’s the time she wants you to get up.
Building
Inspector: Open a
cupboard, a closet, a crawl space under the house: the cat will be in it in a
flash. If you go into the garage, I guarantee the cat will be in the rafters.
God help you
if you remove the floor vents in order to vacuum the heating ducts. I’ve never
heard of a cat ending up in the furnace, but I’m certain it can be done.
Carpet
inspector: By
throwing up on your carpet at least four times a week, always in a different
spot, the cat insures that you have your carpet steam cleaned at least once
every six months.
Chaperone:
Your cat insists that
you cannot use the toilet or the shower without his presence. If you have the
audacity to lock him out while you’re in the bathroom, he will demand to be let
in, loudly enough so that everyone in the house knows what you’re doing.
Commentator:
Siamese, especially,
are known for this capacity, that of voicing their opinion about everything.
Just because they don’t speak a known human language doesn’t mean you cannot
understand them when they begin talking. And no animal, including us, can swear
as convincingly and satisfyingly as a cat.
Critic:
of everything. If you’re reading the newspaper, he will insist on laying
on it. If you’re reading a book, she will insist on being on your lap, in such
a way that you cannot turn the page without disturbing her. Television invites
several different avenues of critique: sitting atop the tv with a tail dangling
or perched on your chest so that her head is right in front of your nose are
two of them.
Most annoying
of all is the cat who must drape herself along the top of your computer
monitor, like mine is now. A perfect spot for an animal that is constantly
leaking hair, it usually results in your computer soon being jammed with cat
hair.
Exterminator: This is the classic cat job, but
these days, it has changed, slightly. Most cats will only catch the most
foolhardy mouse, one that has gotten into the house by who knows what route.
The cat will toy with the mouse and may even kill it. If she eats it, she will
leave parts of it strewn around the bathroom so that you, the half awake,
barefooted human will step on the cold, squishy pile of entrails at 2 am. The
cat will keep the eaten portions of the mouse in her stomach for approximately
two days, whereupon she will throw it up, along with all the rest of her
stomach contents, in a spot on the carpet that shows stains to their best
advantage.
Food
inspector: When you put food in his bowl, your cat will
walk up to it, sniff it from a safe distance, then decide if it meets his lofty
standards before he deigns to touch it. If it meets his standards, he will eat
it. If it does not, though, rejection comes in several forms. If the cat at
least pretends to like you, he will merely turn away and sit down about five feet
from the bowl, very politely telling you that it is loathsome. He understands
that, being human, you are stupid, but can learn by many, many repetitions of a
simple lesson. He gives you time to realize your mistake and rectify it by
putting something in the bowl more to his tastes, preferably Copper River King
salmon. If he does NOT care about your
self esteem, he will turn around and pretend to cover it, using the very same
motion he does when he’s covering what he’s produced in the litter box.
Exorcist: You’ve seen your cat racing around
the house for no reason whatsoever? He’s chasing ghosts.
Interior
decorator: Cats
understand that we humans are strangely attached to things that serve no
purpose, (aka ‘collectibles’ or knickknacks) are expensive, or have a
sentimental value to us. We have an annoying habit of displaying them on
surfaces that are better suited to giving a cat a place to lay down and stretch
out. The cat who moves things around on your tables and dressers is well suited
for interior design and consultation. If she actually pushes it off the
tabletop, she is telling you in the plainest terms that some stuff, like that
Swarovski crystal horse, just should NOT
be allowed in the house, and will you kindly dispose of it now that it’s irreparably
broken.
Lab technician: When you and your significant other
are being, shall we say, physically amorous, you will feel a pair of unblinking
eyes upon your back. Or front. Look up, and there is your cat, watching. She is
wearing the clinical expression of someone in a lab smock and holding a
clipboard, annotating every move you make. It wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t
flicking a tailtip in a slightly amused manner, as if the sight of two naked
apes in rut is the most hilarious thing she’s ever seen, but she’s a
professional so she’s not roaring in laughter. She IS smirking, though.
Panhandler:
You cannot enter the kitchen without a cat accompanying you. He knows the only reason you are there is to feed him. He may show you where the cat food is kept. If you don’t give her something (actually, a LOT
of something), you will be given the Guilt Trip. (see Actor). Sometimes he will purposefully trip you, and now that you're on the floor, will you please fill up the bowl.
Plumber: My cats insist on being in the
bathroom with me. They insist on having the water tap turned on. They don’t
drink, they just watch the water (wasted) run down the drain. In a similar
vein, my cats also want to watch the water in the toilet disappear.
Proximity
Alarm: Cats will strategically place parts of their
body (usually the tail) directly underneath your feet. This way, when you step
on it, they can screech in pain, and you will feel so guilty you will feed
them.
Road block:
if your cat places herself in the very center of the aisle, room, or
path to wherever else in the house the majority of traffic traverses, your cat
can be a road block. She will be sitting
at parade rest, tail neatly wrapped around her feet, head up, eyes shut,
apparently contemplating the Buddha while everyone must detour around her.
Security
officer: this cat
places herself strategically so that she can see all activities in a few very
important spots, i.e., she places herself so that she can see the kitchen as
well as the couch in the living room. She thus can simultaneously track any
activity in the kitchen as well as see when a comfortable lap opens up in front
of the TV.
Sex worker:
Anyone who has procrastinated in having their cat spayed will tell
you that a female cat in heat is the must erotic, noisy, and obnoxious animal
on the planet. If you have never seen a cat in heat before, check Actor,
because she will convince you that she is in agony, when in reality, all she
wants is to get some. This will go on for at least a week. You will not get any sleep.
The toms are
worse: if you have been so irresponsible as to not have your cat neutered, your
house, your furniture, everything you own will soon begin to reek of cat piss. He will spray anything upright, including your legs. He
will come home torn and satisfied, or torn and needing vet work, will yowl all
night and sleep all day. He’s out there making more kittens, innocent beings that will end
up in the animal shelter (unless you want to become a collector). Neuter and spay your cats.
Surveyor:
Cats have a tape measure in their heads. Just watch the next time you
see your cat contemplating jumping onto your counter top. They look, measure,
the tail flicking as she does the computations, and then bip! she’s landed
precisely on the only spot she can safely do so, and is now leaving paddypaw
prints on your just polished table and sniffing in the sugar bowl.
Wild
animal collector: not
to be confused with Exterminator. This cat, if allowed outdoors, will bring in
animals it has no business catching, i.e., birds, snakes, lizards, and shrews.
Larger cats may even bring in baby possums, rabbits and squirrels. All these creatures will be very much alive
and alarmed at one, having been captured by a cat and two, brought into the
house; and will make determined and destructive attempts to escape. If the cat
were capable of handling a video camera, he would film the hysterical
antics of the humans trying to not catch a baby skunk and still getting it out of
the house.