The World Health Organization has issued a new proclamation today: We 're eating too much sugar.
On the face of it, that would make sense. We DO eat a lot
of sweets. Pop (aka soda) comes to mind as the number one source, but of course, there’s
candies and pastries, etc.
But the WHO is condemning not just the obvious sources of
sugar, but foodstuffs such as peanut butter, fruit juices, salad dressing, and
bran cereal.
It drives me crazy. The WHO is like a hospital full of
doctors with just one patient, and they don’t talk to each other. So one says,
stay off that broken leg until it heals up, another says, you’re sitting around
far too much, get up and exercise!
And it got me to thinking of all the things the WHO is
advising we eat, and don’t eat. They decided we are far too stupid to not eat
things that taste good. So they invented the “food pyramid’ to make it easy for
us to to obey them rather than the instincts that brought us from the
African savannah to contemplating landing people on Mars.
At the tip of the pyramid are oils and sweets, like sugar
and high fructose corn syrup. Mayonnaise has so many bad things it’s not even
considered edible by the WHO. Corn oil? Oh god, no. Butter? Even worse. Even
the artificial oils are going to kill you. Olive oil is supposed to be good for
your heart, but it’s an oil and therefore bad for your arteries. So no oil and
vinegar on your salad.
Next is meat. Eat “sparingly”…the WHO says no more than
once per annum. All meat is bad, in any form. No ham or bacon-they’re processed with
nitrates that make the flavor jump out and please you. Pork? Well, you better
cook the flavor out of it; everyone knows rare pork will kill you with
intestinal parasites, so just forego pork. Beef is by far the worst. It was created by Satan
in order to kill you slowly. That’s why he made it so tasty and muscle
building. And it gives you colon cancer.
Don’t eat eggs as they will kick up your cholesterol
(separated into Good Cholesterol and Bad Cholesterol but no one can tell the
difference). Plus one in several billion eggs might possibly carry salmonella
so just to be safe, don’t eat the yolk, the best part, just eat the tasteless
white of the egg, cooked to the consistency of caulking compound. In fact,
don’t eat the interior of the egg at all. The shell is full of calcium, and
calcium is good.
Chicken is bad, because it’s full of antibiotics and kept
in horrid conditions. When a chicken is processed for consumption, apparently
the bird is sprayed with salmonella, so don’t eat chicken. Turkey is even
worse, in that it will make you so sleepy you will miss the entire second half
of the football game.
Fish isn’t considered meat, so maybe it’s safe to eat
fish? But no. Tuna? Nope, it’s full of mercury and besides, they’re going
extinct from overfishing. Oh and don’t eat tuna if you’re pregnant. Salmon? Well, the stocks have collapsed from
overfishing. Cod? They were destroyed
years ago. Bottom fish like halibut? Oh my god, no, they’re full of PCBs. Small
fish (usually referred to as ‘bait’) have been eating plastic, the only thing
plentiful in the ocean. About the only fish species that is plentiful, if nasty
tasting, is goldfish. Now you know why you should keep the fishbowl clean.
Milk and milk products: well, we covered butter. Milk is
indigestible unless it’s been stepped on so much that is merely white water. The
best milk to drink is “raw” (meaning, right out of the cow) and unpasteurized.
The WHO doesn’t want you to risk that, because the big milk producers don’t
want any little backyard organic dairy horning in on their turf. Cheese is supposedly
full of calcium, but the WHO doesn’t want you to eat just any cheese. No, they
want you to eat the stuff that doesn’t have all that moldy gunk on it. That’s
probably loaded with germs, and germs are bad. Most commercial yogurts are
loaded with sugar, so…no yogurt.
Then you have “fruits and nuts”. They want you to eat 2-4
servings of fruits and nuts every day. But not just any fruits and nuts. The
WHO said today that fruit JUICES are bad. Yes, that nice glass of orange juice
may be full of vitamin C but it also has sugar in it, so no fruit juices. Citrus
fruits aren’t much better because there’s no fiber in them, just pulp. As far
as I can see, the WHO’s sole choice for a fruit is an apple. The only apple
that survives factory handling, packaging and retailing is a Red Delicious, the
most over rated apple on the planet. Red it is but delicious, not. It was bred solely to withstand the rigors of factory handling.
It has the consistency and taste of a wet paper bag. Washington State is the US
leader in apple production, with Red Delicious being the number one apple
produced. Washington State has the lowest per capita consumption of Red
Delicious apples in the world. Behind every school, hospital
or any sort of institution that serves food are dumpsters, full of pristine, untouched and uneaten Red Delicious apples. They don't rot. They don't get wormy. Even the crows ignore them. Every
pastry company in the US buys Red Delicious apples and inserts
flavors into the apple pulp. They then sell their product as “blueberry flavor”
or “lemon flavor”. But it’s all still made of apple.
Nuts? Well, almonds would be nice if there were any bees
left to pollinate the plants. Peanuts are NOT nuts, they’re a legume, and
peanut butter is not only loaded with sugar but is an oil as well. Besides, you
have to put peanut butter on bread. Which is bad. Most nuts are expensive, labor
intensive, subject to blights and always seasonal. They go rancid like that
because, after all, they’re mostly oil.
Vegetables: ah, there we have something the WHO likes.
Eat 6 servings of vegetables every day. What fun! Celery for breakfast, brunch,
lunch, midday snack, dinner, and bedtime snack. Oh, come on, there are other
vegetables. Tomatoes! Whoa, not so fast. A tomato is a FRUIT, not a vegetable
and hasn’t a lick of fiber, so no tomatoes. Potatoes are starchy, and starch is
bad. Besides, the WHO knows that you’re not going to eat the potato raw. No, you’re
going to deep fat fry it (in OIL) to a crispy, crunchy perfection, and everyone
knows French fries will kill you. Besides, you will eat fries with that beef
burger with bacon. OK, spinach? Nope,
it’s full of oxalic acid, which will give you gall and kidney stones. Lettuce?
Well, okay…but no dressing. Beans? Not only do beans give you gas, but they’re
impossible to eat by themselves. Which is why chili was invented: to cover up
the taste of the bean. Pasta? Bread? Nope, they’re made of refined wheat flour.
Wheat is almost as bad as corn. And refining anything is Bad For You. In fact
the WHO would prefer you don’t eat anything white.
Corn? Well, corn is a grain that is used in everything
from food to paint to gasoline. It contains more sugar than starch. Sugar is
bad for you as is starch. And, like the aforementioned French fries, the WHO
knows you’ll make popcorn, drenching it in rich, salty butter. Sinner.
So, looking at the pyramid, and thinking hard about the
WHO’s determinations of what is good for us, I’ve narrowed the Perfect Diet down
to a simple four items, dispensing with the pyramid altogether. It’s eaten
daily, for every meal, by gorgeous athletes that radiate health, stamina and
happiness.
I call it the Horse Diet.
Hay (fiber!). Raw oats (whole grain! Gluten free!).
Carrots. (root vegetable!) And those damned Red Delicious apples.
